“I am my own biggest critic. Before anyone else has criticized me, I have already criticized myself. But for the rest of my life, I am going to be with me and I don't want to spend my life with someone who is always critical. So I am going to stop being my own critic. It's high time that I accept all the great things about me.”

This simple quote takes me back to sophomore year. There are not many quotes or mantras that I can directly relate to. But this quote reminds me of one of the toughest years I have ever dealt with in my teenage life.

I believe that what you put online is purely what you want people to see. Someone who is carefree, fun, beautiful, etc. Only the good stuff. But that's not fair. Behind the screen, this blog was written by a once broken girl. Now she is a recovered girl. But the scars and hurt still remain.

I was very hesitant on whether or not I should write this post. Not only because I know that my fellow readers are people from my school and my friends, but also because this post brings up something I was so uncomfortable with for so long. It strips down the good and reveals the bad. However, I want to lead by example. I want to reach out from this computer screen to the person who feels the same way that I used to. Because at the end of the dark tunnel of self-hate, comes self-love.

This blog was meant for good things. Sometimes I post things because I feel inspired and creative. Other times I just post because it is fun and silly to pretend that I am an expert of fashion when I don't really know much. (Honestly, I am pretty sure I am one half troll.) I feel as if I share all of the good and fun things about me. Now, I want to reveal the bad. I have demons and I want to confess. Getting it off of my chest is the best thing I could do for myself. Reading this post could be a good thing for you too. Because I am talking reality. Teenager to teenager. Life is unfair. 

Okay. *deep breaths, Emily, you can write this* Here is to all of the people who have felt like me at least once in their life.

I never had an issue with body image or self-love. Beauty tips were at the bottom of my list and school was at the top. I was more obsessed with getting good grades than what I wore for the day. But by sophomore year, I realized that I was more aware of how desperately I wanted to fit in. I wanted to break out of my "nerdy" mold and transform into someone people talked about. 

Sophomore year I surrounded myself with interesting people. I so badly wanted to fit with what I considered acceptable that I was lost in the midst of it all. It took me several months until I realized I was vain. These interesting friends of mine were not my friends. Rather, they were people who were kind to me in person but slandered me behind my back. Their compliments, which seemed to be truthful at the time, were hollow. This bad aura that I collected from my desperation was something I needed to get rid of.

After losing my so-called "friends", I found better people. The people I turned my back to, to move up the ladder. The people that truly had my back. The people that only brought out the best within me and made me feel accepted. I no longer cared whether or not people noticed this outfit I wore or how high I climbed up in the social ladder. I was where I wanted to be. With people I learned to appreciate more than ever.

Feeling at the top of my game, I plummeted back into a ball of insecurities at the third trimester of sophomore year. Shortly after spring break, I changed. Skin that used to be so clear was replaced with skin swollen with red bumps. I hated it. Acne made it hard for me to love myself. While my crush was continuously pining over a pimple free girl who did theater and was all-together perfect, I was sitting in the corner torturing myself with an endless video playlist of beauty gurus showing how they "got rid of their acne overnight/in five days/in a week/ etc." I wanted the torture to be over. A boy that I was pining over since the beginning of freshman year only looked to me as a "friend". I thought that it was this acne that prevented him from seeing that I could be more. I felt that if my skin changed, maybe he would see me more than a friend. My skin was my barrier. And I was desperate to fix it. 

I began to wear foundation. Something that I never considered putting on my face before. However, it concealed the ugliness of it all and I just wanted my acne to go away. I still remember my mother's worried look when I ate breakfast with her each morning across the kitchen table. "Why do you have to wear so much makeup?" she said. I sat there quietly. All I wanted to say was "Because, mom, I don't feel pretty."

There are about 10 posts that I had written that never made it onto this blog. I did not feel comfortable showing my face on this blog for such a long time. Hence, the inconsistency of posts in spring/summer. 

Everyday in my sophomore year I was at a constant battle with myself. I had my fair share of high and low moments. 

In the summer of 2016, I gave myself a break. There was no one I had to compare myself to. I just needed to accept me. It was a long and torturous journey, but I overcame it. By junior year, I came back to school -- recovered. 

My classmates have always praised me for this blog and the feats that I have achieved in my high school career. "Wow, Emily! You look so pretty on your blog." While these comments were all reassuring, I was still struggling to love myself. 

Now, I am makeup free. When I put on makeup, it is not to conceal the ugly, but to bring out the beautiful. Now, I am free. I am free from the prison of self-hate. I have decided to reside in my new haven -- self-love. To all of the teenagers who are going through teenage life feeling like they have lost what they feel makes them beautiful, you are not alone. Because I, a seemingly normal-looking teenager, had my own fair share of struggles. Now, I am fine. 

From me, a recovered teenager, to you, I want to leave a simple message: Everything is going to be okay.